Way to Inspire a Sense of Safety.

I went downtown today, for a meeting with the author of the book I'm editing. I was walking to the office from the bus stop, and I saw all these firetrucks, police cars and ambulances. There were at least 10 of them total. I thought it was kind of odd, especially since I couldn't see anything that was obviously out of place (other than the trucks). Turns out the building had to be evacuated, because a bunch of people got sick from something in the air, which is pretty disconcerting. What's more disconcerting is that the Haz-Mat team's speaker has told the media that 'the substance has dissipated into the air, and we are not able to identify it, nor pinpoint it's origin'. Not inspiring a lot of confidence in me, guys. I mean, I do understand the difficulties in figuring the stuff out (those years of chemistry weren't totally wasted), but still, you'd think they'd be a little more advanced. On the other hand, in the States they'd probably just say that they wouldn't rest until they got to the bottom of it, and keep saying that until everyone got bored or forgot about it.

Just to Remind Myself...

The Songs I can listen to:
She Will be Loved - Maroon 5
cross the Universe - Fiona Apple
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
Let Go - Frou Frou
Breathe - Frou Frou
Time - Chantal Kreviazuk
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
Love Will Come Through - Travis
Come Clean - Hilary Duff (I can't explain that one... I'm delusional?)
Freaks Me Out - Girls Aloud
Breathe - Telepopmusik
Escape - Enrique Iglesias

Songs I shouldn't listen to right now, even though they're really good:
I Believe in a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
Pictures of You - The Cure
Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer
Desperado - The Eagles
Cause I Like You - Dandy Warhols
This Year's Love - David Gray
Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold
September - Earth Wind and Fire
Everything Dido, Jack Johnson and Outkast

I Really Just Love That Woman

So...Oprah today was about 'Extreme Breakups', and man, did some people get totally screwed over by their partners. A lot of the stories were about women who'd been left with multiple kids, for their best friends, or for their kids' best friends' moms (ew).

One woman, an actress on some show I've never seen, told a story about how she fell for her best friend of two and a half years, and he proposed after dating for six weeks. She said yes, ecstatically, and they sent out little announcement cards with 'engaged' on the front. Six weeks after he propsed, he said he'd cheated on every girl he'd ever dated, and he didn't think he could marry her. She was heartbroken (duh), and she went to her best friend's house. They decided to send out new announcement cards, with 'single' on the front. Inside, they said;

Picked the wrong guy

Gave him the wrong finger

This is why I love Oprah's show.

Well Then

That was lengthy. And depressing. No more of that. Also, waves suck. Not like sound waves, or light waves, but the waves I'm talking about suck. A lot. I don't like waves. I think waves should be abolished. Ech. Wow, I've gone from depressing to nonsensical. Should I be on some sort of drug? Oh well.

Fallout

So what's the fallout? The fallout is that I can't think, or sleep or eat or breathe without feeling myself bleed inside. The fallout is that when I try to keep myself occupied, I just end up bleeding all over everything, and ruining it. The fallout is that I don't even realize how much I bleed until it's too late. The fallout is that I end up with even more people to apologize to, because I cannot think. I can't think to do anything, I can't think of what I need to do, I can't think of whether I can do it. The fallout is that sadness turns into something else, something I don't even realize is there until I see how hard, how uncaring I am, and then it all turns to hurt and selfhate and pure wanting to heal. And I don't heal. I just turn it away, and try to ignore it, and in doing that, end up ignoring everything else that was important to me too. I get angry, angry at people for not understanding, and then angry at myself, because I know they understand, but I still hurt, so I must just be weak, and less of a person than them. Angry at myself because all of this was because I was weak, because I was less of a person, and even after it, I haven't been able to change. Angry because the past two weeks have felt like two years, two years without sleep or peace or joy. Angry because even though I know I'm not alone, I still feel alone. Angry because every time I think I'm getting better, I break down everything I've built by remembering and wishing, and I get scared all over again. I'm terrified, constantly. I feel like I'm being hunted. I'm scared that the reason this is so hard is because I'm not strong, that I've never been and never will be strong. I'm scared that if it isn't because I'm weak, then there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm scared because I know that this will change me, but I don't know that I want to change. I liked who I was before. I want nothing more than to be who I was before.

But mostly, I'm scared because when I wake up, all I want is to forget. I want to forget it all, I want to stop seeing loss in everything. I want to go away, and start all over again, with nothing from before, no friends, no family, no past. I want to throw everything away. Why do I want to throw everything away? Why do I want to psychologically commit suicide, keep living when I'll have discarded everything I love? Why does one love bleed over into all the rest? Why can't the big part of my mind, the part that knows it doesn't want to forget, that it loves all the memories and past, wake up at the same time I do? And what happens if that part goes away?

What happens if this isn't how other people feel, and I'm some sort of defective human, doomed to this?

Why can't I stop asking questions I know have no answers?

I think everything cuts me deeper now. Anything said, no matter how deserved if it's bad, or how innocent if it's good, cuts me somehow. I can't control my mind at all; any control I think I have is basically an illusion to protect my sanity.

Also, why the hell do I keep trying to answer these stupid questions?

Anyway, I actually needed to write that I'm sorry to some people, two in particular. I'm not sure you'll even read this, it's pretty bloody long. I don't mean the stuff above this as an explanation, an excuse, or a plea for sympathy. It might even be better if you skipped it. I just needed to write it all out, to actually make it real outside my brain. Anyhow, I'm sorry that I am utterly useless, I really really am. I never wanted to suck up your time, energy, or patience, and I know that I did all of the above and more. I don't know how to make it up to you, or even if I can, but I will try, and with the apology I'd also like to say thank you, for not completely losing your tempers with me (at least not while I was in the same room as you). I really do love you both, because you're my sisters, and lovely in your own right, and I'm sorry to have failed.
P.S. I do know this is not a 'now everything's better!' kind of deal. But I'm better at writing than I am at talking, so...yeah.

Snowy Mountains, Yellow Leaves

Go see Hero. Seriously. The movie is completely beautiful, all story and motion and colours. It's a slower pace than the average North American movie, about the same pace as The Princess and the Warrior (Der Krieger und Die Kaiserin, totally recommended if you haven't seen it), with the same beautiful poetic tone. Hero has the most amazing colour I've ever seen in a movie, yellows and reds and greens that just pour off the screen. The movement is beautiful too. Anyway, everyone should see it.

You know what you shouldn't see? Taxi, with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. It's a remake of a French movie, and if you value your time (and speak French), you'll rent the French one instead. Unfortunately, it hasn't come out with subtitles yet, so it's kind of restricted to the French-speaking populace. But it's a great movie. And the American version has completely killed all the good parts of the original.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted . Time for bed for me! 'night all.

Success!

I found a white skirt! It isn't too short, it's pretty enough that I can wear it more than once, and it didn't cost me a fortune! Unfortunately, I still have to find shoes that I can wear with it. So...yeah. Still not done the compulsory shopping. Dammit. Oh well. Pretty skirt! And pretty brathatnobodywillsee! All in two days!

Gwyneth Paltrow Made Me Cry

I was watching Oprah (again), yesterday's show, with Gwyneth Paltrow and Jude Law. Oprah and Gwyneth were discussing mostly family. They started to talk about her father Bruce Paltrow, who recently passed away, and Gwyneth told the most beautiful story.

Her father, when she was ten, told her that they were going to Paris for the weekend, just the two of them. They flew to Paris, and they stayed in a room at The Ritz. He told her she could order anything she wanted to eat, and they went to museums and galleries and it was, in her opinion, perfect.

On the flight home, he asked her "Do you know why we went to Paris on our own? Why Mom and Jake (her brother) stayed at home together?"
She shook her head and said "No."
And he replied "Because I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with a man who will love your forever, no matter what."

And that is when I started to cry.

Quote of the Week

"It'll be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end."

-Anonymous

La Senz-What?

I bought a bra today. I wasn't actually meant to be bra shopping, I was really looking for a white skirt, but I was with T, and she needed a new bra. So into La Senza we go.

Now, I am admittedly not a bra aficionado. I recognize their value and purpose, and I appreciate their prettiness, and how they can make people look really good, but I'm not terribly well-versed in the different types of bras available. Until now. Now I (vaguely) know the difference between a 'hydrafit' and a 'push up'. Convertible vs. strapless? Believe it or not, there are distinct pros and cons to the styles. In fact, I feel somewhat well-educated in Bra-ology now, considering I own 3 types of bras; normal unpadded, strapless, and sport. T did try to get me to buy a more...enhancing bra, but I wasn't really feeling it, just then. I did however purchase an unpadded bra, that is very pretty, and fits really well, and was only $12. $12! That's like buying a paperback! Did I mention that it's pretty? Not that I have anyone to show it off to. It's still nice to have a pretty new bra though.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to find a white skirt. Apparently, all white skirts are either waaaaay to mini for me, hideously ugly, completely the wrong size, or cost a bajillion dollars. Which means I have to go out again, and find it somewhere other than at the 400 stores I looked around in. Ech. But at least I have a pretty new bra! Pretty, pretty.

I Have a Confession to Make...

I love Oprah. And Oprah, the lady. Cliched, I know, but I really really do. Every episode seems to be entirely captivating, and there's a perfect mix of celebrity celebration, real-world issues, and random irrelevancies, such as makeovers and 'Oprah's favourite things that you'll never be able to afford, but that she'll give to every member of the audience, making you emit ultraviolet rays due to jealousy'. She's an amazing advocate for reading, something that I think everyone should do more of, and she seems to genuinely try to make the world a better place, something I think everyone, especially those with money and power, should try out.

This morning, I watched a rerun of yesterday's rerun (circuitous, I know, but bear with me), featuring 'The Celebrity Spouse Challenge'. It featured couples of varying levels of celebrity challenging each other to complete tasks which we are told were heretofore unknown to them. For example in one segment, Finola Hughes was made to camp one night in her backyard. This was an eye-opener to me; I don't think I've ever seen someone so completely unsuited to the outdoors. Maybe it's because I've grown up in Vancouver, where camping is mandatory for a child, but that shocked me. I mean, she was miserable. In her backyard. This isn't a trip to Antarctica. Which was probably a good thing, as that would have really damaged her Louis Vuitton bag.

In another, Clint Black, who we were told is a Country star (To any Clint Black fans; I do not mean to malign your singer in any way, I simply am not a lover of the country genre, and therefore have very little knowledge of musicians of said genre) was challenged to go grocery shopping with his daughter, who I think is about 3. It was hilarious. I'd like to congratulate the editors, who had to go through 3 hours of footage (that's how long it took him to shop), and put together a very funny montage. My favourite part was when he asked for 'some sort of ground fish thing?'

Yep, I love me some Oprah. But it scares me a little that she can sell more books by reading them than most writers can by writing them.

Ma's Food...mmmm

My mum cooked her stuffed tofu today. Sooo good. It's these tofu puffs, stuffed with ground pork, and cooked in black bean sauce. I love them. It was probably the first close to normal sized meal I've eaten in two weeks. Because no matter what is going on, there is no escaping the incredible pull of stuffed tofu. And I think my stomanch is more equipped to deal with Chinese food than Western fare right now, although I have no idea why.

Also, everyone should read Pamie's The Menstrual Chronicles. And then everything else on Pamie. Because it is what happiness is made of.

Amazing Jerk

When the hell did Colin from Amazing Race lose it? He was such a jerk on last night's episode. It's really sad to see how abusive and demanding of his girlfriend he is. I hope that we're seeing only the bad, through editing, because otherwise, Christie? You're gorgeous, you seem nice, smart, trustworthy. You can do so, so much better. Now there's only one group that anyone can really like (go Chip and Kim!), and one group that is tolerable. The rest are alternately annoying, really, really stupid or just unlikeable. The episode was still pretty good though.

Also, saw John Kerry on The Daily Show last night; he was very personable, and very to the point regarding his views. Unfortunately, while I have a definite opinion on which candidate I'd like to win, I'm not even remotely American, and therefore get no say in the matter. Vote, Americans! Seriously, though. It's important.

180

I feel like I'm going backwards. How do I turn back around? I think the existence of 'one step forward, two steps back' should be outlawed. I'm pretty sure our judicial system doesn't cover things like this, though.

On the bright side, it's raining something fierce outside, and I was caught in the downpour, without an umbrella (not so prepared, this time), and it was kind of nice, being rained on, getting wet. The last time being caught in the rain made me laugh, I was still in high school.

Hell Hath No Fury...

...Like that of my friends. I'm so lucky to have you all. Thank you for feeling all the anger I can't seem to find within myself. That said, please don't do anything criminal.

Also, the 'Jump' episode of Joan of Arcadia is one of the best hours of television ever made, and I could watch it over and over again. The music is amazing. The writing is amazing. The whole thing is amazing. It's perfection on screen. Another example of such perfection? The 'My Big Screwup' episode of Scrubs. Different tone entirely, but still beautiful.

Gold!

Woo! We got a gold medal! Way to go Kyle Shewfelt! The floor routine was indeed awesome, and the gold was deserved, although I feel for the guy (Dragulescu) that numerically tied for 1st and was then bumped to second after the application of 'a special tie-breaking mathematical formula' (by the way, I'd really like to know how that formula works...). But yay Canada! Gold medal!

I know the US has something like 40 medals right now, but it must be kinda nice being a Canadian; every medalist seems to have a whole day of the country basking in their glory. So far in the States, I've mostly heard about Michael Phelps. I mean, I understand that he's ridiculously good, but he didn't win every medal you guys have! Where're your other medalists?!

Also, newly changed the settings so that anyone can comment on the blog, not just blogger people. So yay for equal access!

Funniest line EVER.

"I just want to crush his head into a little ball, and stick pins in it!"
(supergirl)

Heh, my friends are funny. You go with your fury, supergirl! If I were you, I would've kicked his ass a long time ago! No one screws with one of my friends and gets away with it.

Dreaming Doesn't Help

Trust me. It feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.

Learning MATH + 1

Go to MATH + 1. They'll teach you what you need to know.

Also, I added a 'Links' section. Woo! Yes, I realize there's a pitiful number of links there. There're lots more I'd love to add, but I want to make sure it's okay with the writers before I do so.

Last night I saw the Bourne Identity (yeah yeah, I'm behind, blah blah blah) which was very good. I'm a big fan of Franka Potente, ever since Run Lola Run and The Princess and the Warrior. Matt Damon was also pretty good in this movie. I've decided I definitely prefer him over Ben Affleck, who seems unable to climb out of his deathspin even after parting ways with Jennifer Lopez. I find it funny that she's now with Marc Anthony, since he seems to be exactly what she was trying to turn Affleck into. Did she just figure 'well, if I can't custom-make one, I'll just take the original'?

Accomplishments

But not in the cool, 'I'm so awesome look what I can do' kinda way. More in the 'look, I'm not entirely useless!' kind of way.

I've actually gotten quite a bit done the past few days, all things considered. I managed to get to the bank, and deal with some stuff there, which allowed me to pay my visa bill (yikes, that card is so going into hibernation for a while). I finally got Greg's birthday present, as well as a card to go with it. And I managed to go to the clinic today, and get a check up. So woo!

In more Olympics news, watched the 10 000m track event, and I have to say, while I generally find running competitions tedious, especially when they're long, that was truly impressive. To run more than 9500m, and then do your last lap in 53 seconds is amazing. And he didn't even seem all that tired at the end! I can't even run one lap cold in that time. These people are crazy I tell you. Crazy!

Such Great Heights

Did anyone else see women's trampoline on the Olympics this morning? Those girls jump high. Apparently they get higher than 10 metres above the trampoline, which is just mind-boggling to me. It was pretty cool though, seeing people hurl themselves so high and then do flips like monkeys on speed. It was better still seeing a Canadian woman win a silver medal. Woo! If anyone didn't see this event, no worries, it was on at 7:15 this morning (Vancouver time), so I don't expect that a lot of you were even up. Thank God for the Olympics, a distraction I can handle in my state of insomnia. And CBC shows it live! So it's on at 4 am! Far better than trying to fool myself into being engrossed in an infomercial for 'The Better Pepper Picker' or whatever it is they're selling now.

Also, 'Such Great Heights' is an amazing song; the version I know is by The Postal Service, but I've heard Iron and Lace(?) also do it well.

Thank You

I guess I’ve reached the whole ‘acceptance’ stage of everything, finally. I’m still terrified, and I dread going back to school, but last night, when I was about to go to sleep, I felt almost...peaceful. Resigned, I guess is the best word. And now I’m here at Girly’s house, and even though I can’t laugh much at all, and I still am blindsided by the sudden moments where the fact that I feel completely alone and lost and weak is all too obvious to me, I feel better knowing. I know what I have to do, and no matter how much I don’t want to do it, how much I hate it and just want to go back and change everything until I get it right, I know that I don’t have a choice, and all I can do is go from here.

At the same time, I feel lucky, because I have amazing friends, and family. I have friends who come visit me at 10 pm, on 5 minutes notice, who hold me when I cry, and don’t try to convince me that I shouldn’t be crying. People that are just there, even though they know that they can’t make me feel better, that no one can, anymore. People who put aside their problems, because in their minds, mine are more important. I want to thank all those people, who are letting me deal with this. I don’t know if I’ll remember to tell you how much I appreciate it, but I do.

Of course, when I’m lying in bed, as I try to fall asleep at night, or as I wake up in the morning, none of this matters. Because it’s all still happened, and I’m still scared and alone, and I still worry that the worst has yet to come. Because I keep asking myself how I could have avoided this, what I could have done differently. Because as hard as this is, I’m so scared it’ll get harder, when I’m not so shell-shocked, and when I see how much I miss what I’ve lost.

And I want to thank someone else, too, for everything. I’m sorry I can’t talk to you right now; I miss you so much, I just want to hold you and make it better, and somehow I know that I can’t see you again until I’m past that, or at least strong enough to beat it. I’m not even sure that you read this, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t; you’ve always been stronger than me. If you do, don’t worry, I’m not going to write anything else about this on the site. Just...thank you. For everything, things that you can’t even know. There are still all these things that I want to tell you, that I feel I didn’t tell you enough, and now they’re just there, unsaid, and probably will never be said, because now to say them would hurt, even though that’s the exact opposite of their intent. But I hope you know what it is I want to say, what I always tried to tell you through my words and actions every day.

Everyone, I promise that I’ll be back to levity and the mundane from now on. Not because I don’t want you all to know, but because I need to do this on my own, or at least as close to that as possible. I love you all.

Happy Birthday, Greg

It's my little brother's birthday today. Happy 18th, Greg. Sorry about the delay in your present, you'll get it soon.

Broken

Hey everyone,

I'm probably not going to be able to update this for a while (stupid that I just started, but oh well). Thanks to everyone that's being so great about this, you know who you are. I know some of you have no idea what's going on, and I'm sorry, but you'll all know soon, I'm sure.

Post Uno.

So, I decided to follow Tessa's footprints and try this whole blog thing. We'll see how it goes. It took me a long, long time to decide on a name for this thing, I tend to give things like names far more importance than they likely merit. Anyway, I've finally settled on Never Reason, so welcome, all.

Not much going on right now (which is a big reason for me starting this), it's still way too hot in Vancouver for me to be doing anything terribly active. Had Cousin's Day today, which was fun. My cousin Jenn and I took our two little cousins, the moppets, to the waterpark at Chaldecott. It was a lot of fun, but wow, that waterpark has changed since I was a kid. I'd seen it, as it's relatively close to my house, but I'd never played in it before (participation is mandatory, with the moppets). Quite fun, although I'd forgotten how much shrieking toddlers do when they play. We also took them to an ice cream place, where they both ordered 'blue bubblegum' (ew) ice cream. Jenn and I opted for other, less technicolor flavours. Waterpark AND ice cream! Jenn and I are awesome cousins.

(Author's Note: Yeah, this is like 5 mins later. Couldn't decide on a template, so for now we're going with the pink. woo!)