A Night of Television, Recaptured

America's Next Top Model

Tessa: The hell is Tyra wearing?
T: I kinda like it.
J-Bird: The colours?!
T: No, not the colours. The colours are ugly.
J-Bird: How do you pick a dress that clashes with your skin?!
T: Tyra Banks has a huge forehead.
Tessa: Yes, yes she does. And you'd think she'd have a hairstylist that knew better than to emphasize that.
J-Bird: Why are there girls kowtowing to Tyra Banks?
T: They're kissing ass to try to make it on the actual show.
Tessa: That, or Tyra is their GOD.
J-Bird: Girls need a new role model.

(super skinny girl walks into 'interview' with Tyra, Jay and J.)
J-Bird, Tessa, and T: Augh, god!
J-Bird: Did you see her pelvis?
Tessa: It was like something out of an anatomy textbook.
T: Ew!

(skinnier girl walks in to interview)
J-Bird, Tessa and T: (unintelligible sounds of disgust and horror)
Tyra Banks: I do think you're too thin...
Tessa: Even Tyra thinks you're too skinny, girl.
T: Oh my god, she needs professional help, like right now.
J-Bird: And food.

('plus sized' model walks into interview)
T: Oh my god, her boobs are gigantic!
Tessa: So that's what they mean by 'plus sized'.
J-Bird: They're actually each bigger than Tyra's head. And Miss Tyra has a huge forehead.

(Miss Tyra blathers onscreen)
J-Bird: Whose genius idea was it to bluescreen her infront of palm trees?
Tessa: Realism, by UPN.
T: I love this show!

Queer Eye For the Straight Guy

T: Wow, he's hot.
Tessa: Definitely in the running for 'hottest made-over straight guy'.
T: Aw, he's proposing!
Carson, to the couple: This is where we thought you were gonna say no! (Note: she says yes)
J-Bird: I think I'm in love with the fab five.
Tessa: Too bad you aren't a man.
J-Bird: Two words, missy. Rupert Everett.
Tessa: Shut up.

Kai: I know spa treatments are expensive, but you know what's more expensive? Divorce.

T: This show is so good!
J-Bird: I really can't believe you've never seen this before.
Tessa: We've liberated her from Queer Eye deprivation.
J-Bird: We are truly excellent people.
Tessa: We're horribly shallow, aren't we?
J-Bird: Only once a week.