...I'm late

Very late.  Sorry.

In the past 3 months (yikes) I've:

taken several cooking classes (woo!)

gone to LA (more below)

asked for a full-time position at my job (scary!)

was going to be offered a job I wasn't ok with taking, so gave my notice at the job (MORE scary!)(but I'm still there for the time being, under contract which is great)

attended two lovely weddings

read some books

taken a kayaking course

made 437 dumplings (for reals)

celebrated a friend's engagement (eee!)

gone wedding dress shopping - with success!

bought a new laptop

signed up for sewing classes, more chinese classes, and more cooking classes.  Momma's gonna LEARN.

So, LA.  I went with a friend we'll call Med, who had a medical licensing exam to take.  The planning went something like this:

Med: Hey, can you get me a hotel deal in LA?

J-Bird: Hmmm, it's about $140/night.

Med: Dammit.  Motel 6 it is.

J-Bird: Huh, if I go with you it'd be $49/night.

Med: Each?

J-Bird: Total.  So, hope you're cool with having a roommate!

It was a lovely trip; while Med studied, I read/worked/tanned, and after her exam we went shopping, sightseeing, eating (oh, the eating), and one night, she watched while I drank most of a bottle of champagne (that I'd bought for her, natch) and then acted the fool as a result.  But in a more culinary vein (because we know where my tastes lie), here are the highlights.

In Manhattan Beach, I recommend the Rock n' Fish (particularly the Oak-Grilled Artichoke.  If you're lucky and  they're on special, just get 4 and have those for dinner).  Afterward, if you have room (I did, but Med was aghast that I even entertained the notion), head just up the road to the Manhattan Beach Creamery for some ice cream.

In Santa Monica we had a lovely meal at Trastavere (website seems to be down), an old-fashioned Italian place.

In Pasadena, head to Marston's for breakfast, and have the French Toast (it is a revelation).  For lunch...I don't remember what it was called.  Look, go to the Westin Pasadena, and ask the concierge (an older black man) about his favourite Mexican place, and then go there.  But don't eat too much, because for dinner at Madeleine's you want to have room.  That one was a splurge, and highly worth it.

When we weren't stuffing our faces or shopping at Anthropologie (so much love), we were checking out Huntington Gardens and the Getty Center, which were both incredible.  Be sure to check out the desert garden at Huntington, and just go walk around the Getty.  We didn't go even go in, the architecture is so amazing.  Come to think of it, Huntington has a library and museum we also didn't check out.  But who wants to be indoors when it's so gorgeous outside?  Remember to pack drinks, though.  It gets hot!

And of course, you can't go to California without visiting In n' Out (Med had never been!).

All in all, a great (and filling) trip.

YUM.

LOOOOOOOOO!

At the Canucks game last night:

T: Why does the crowd boo every time Luongo makes a save?  Do they not approve of him being captain?

J-Bird: I...don't know?  I'm sure it's nothing, you must be misunderstanding.

T:  They're doing it again!  I hate them!

J-Bird: Okay, I'm asking Pretty.  Hang on. [Texts Pretty]

Pretty's response: It's not "boo", it's "looooo".   As in Luongo.  They're cheering for him.

J-Bird: See?  I told you you were-

T: LOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Life of Late

Mom and Dad: Bye kids! Have fun at home for the next three and a half weeks while we traipse across Australia and New Zealand!
J-Bird and Bro: Bye!

four days later
J-Bird: Hey bro, do you smell gas? Can you call the gas company and have them test for a leak?
******
Bro: So the gas guy came. The smell? Less gas, and more the smell of meat one of us left out of the freezer, which the gas guy found. So...that was embarrassing.
J-Bird: Ha! I can't believe I missed that! Uh, we may want to keep this whole episode quiet, then. Mom'd freak if she knew we did that.
Bro: Not so much an option, you didn't let me finish. The gas guy decided to test our furnace anyway, and when he fired it up, it shot a two-foot long jet of fire out, right at the door. It was kinda scary.
J-Bird: You screamed like a girl, didn't you?
Bro: Maybe. That's not the point. Basically it was going to burn our house down, so the guy cut the gas off. We have no heat, and we need a new furnace. Oh, and mom and dad don't get home for three weeks.
J-Bird: Dammit!

intermittently, throughout the next three weeks
J-Bird or Bro: It's so freaking cold!

J-Bird: Hi C! Can I ask you a HUGE favour? ...can I use your shower?

Bro: I've decided to use the open oven to heat the house.

Bro: I'm going to [Girlfriend's name]'s house tonight.
J-Bird: I HATE that you have a girlfriend with a heated house.
Bro: You're just jealous cause you don't have a boyfriend with a warm house.
J-Bird: Yes. That was my point.

On my birthday
T and J-Bird: Everyone, we're taking pole-dancing classes!

Instructor: Hi everyone! Get yourselves settled, and then we'll get started!
Peek: Just so you know, I'm awkward.
Instructor: ...

Zelly: Does anyone else feel like our instructor is over-qualified for us?
Peek: She's my hero!

Robot Chicken
Dragon: I hope you can asexually reproduce!

On the phone, with Tessa, tonight
J-Bird: We just need to find a guy who can penetrate her shell!
Tessa: (snicker) Interesting choice of terms.
J-Bird: Huh? Oh. I'm tired! And also, I can't believe you caught that, I wouldn't have noticed at all if you hadn't said anything!
Tessa: What can I say? I'm twelve.
J-Bird: A twelve year old wouldn't even know what that meant. You're a frat boy.
Tessa: Well you should know.
J-Bird: Sigh. I know.

Thanksgiving rehashed

Half an hour before both Kaisha and I are meant to be at LM's for thanksgiving dinner:

Me, covered in flour, pumpkin, and other baking materials: Hello?
Kaisha: Hey, what are you and Peek bringing to LM's?
Me: Peek's bringing wine, and I'm bringing pumpkin pie. How bout you?
Kaisha: What? I have to bring salad! How come I'm the only one who has to do any work?
Me: Work? I just baked two pumpkin pies! From scratch! I made the crust and everything!
Kaisha: Oooh, you baked the pies. I thought you were just buying them. I feel better now. Sorry.
Me: Heh, whatever.
Kaisha: So how's the baking going?
Me: Apparently if the radius of the pie is one inch bigger than it says in the recipe book, it more than doubles the baking time.
Kaisha: Lame.
Me: Yeah. Hey, when you get there, can you tell Laura I might be a little late?

Tales from a Wine Store

"Do you have Castilla di [something Italian-sounding]?"
In my head - That sounds Italian. God I hope it's Italian.
"...All our Italian wines are just over there"

(Myself and Coworker) "Whaat the hell is this thing?"
"Oh, they're supposed to stop the drips from going all the way down the bottle to the table. Basically they're drip stoppers"
"What a stupid unnecessary $15...thing."
"Yeah"
(Customer picks one up) "Oh my god, what a great idea!"
(Us) "I know, isn't it?"

"Have you tried this one? Do you know what it's like?"
"You know, I haven't had a chance to try that one yet, but I've heard great things." - Huh, so we have a red wine with a butterfly on the label. Noted.

"So, how's it going selling wine?"
"Well apart from the fact that I know nothing, have tried about 1% of the wines we carry and have no inclination to try anymore of them, fantastic."
"...Good times."

Case of the Lost Lens

On Sunday night, I stayed at Girly's house. I wasn't expecting too, and while they fortunately had contact solution, a lens case was not to be found anywhere, so I put my contacts in cups with a bit of contact solution overnight. The next morning after breakfast, I go into the bathroom, where one of the cups is now half full of water and upon cloer inspection entirely unfull of lens. Upstairs, the investigation begins:

In the kitchen, with Girly and her dad
Me: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, my right contact? Good as new. The bad news? I think someone drank my left contact.
Girly: It wasn't me, I knew those were your contacts!
Girly's Dad: I don't drink water.
Girly: ...I'll go ask mom. (goes upstairs) Hey, did you drink out of one of those glasses? Jan's contacts were in them.
(pause)
Girly's mom: How much do I owe her?

Case solved.

Ah, Family

Today, on my way out, I noticed that there were several bags of chips stashed in the bottom of the coat closet. My mom is a huge proponent of the "everything in its place" philosophy, so it was a little surprising. Everything was made clear tonight, however:

My mom walks to the tv room holding a bag of chips
Bro: Hey mom, why are there chips in the closet?
Mom: Because I didn't want you guys to eat them all!

My mom is a chip hoarder! Honestly, you think you know someone...

Conversations

In the car
N: Okay, so I'm just going to say it. I love Kelly Clarkson.
Jan: Oh, me too. I mean, I wasn't a fan of her early stuff.
N: I know, I totally thought she was crappy.
Jan: I know! And then I heard Since You've Been Gone, and never
N: turned back! I KNOW!
Jan: God I love her.
N: I know, she's my K.C.

On the phone
Jan: So what are you up to tonight?
Girly: I don't know, me and the boy might watch the movie we downloaded.
Jan: There you go squandering your money on useless luxuries again.
Girly: I know! Heh.

Playing Buddhism Jeopardy in class
Reader: The guy in the Heart Sutra, like higher than a man...
Guy: Bodhisattva?
Reader: Yes! But which one?
Silence
Jan: ...Av, Avalokitesvara?
Reader: YES!
Silence
Sekke: Seriously, Jan? What is wrong with you?
Jan: I have no idea.
Random: That's a two pointer, right there.

Sasha Cohen skates
Jan: You know, she annoys me sometimes, but damn can she act the skate. Too bad she fell.
Mom: I like her dress.
Jan: ...okay.

Shizuka Arakawa skates
Jan: Oooh, Ina Bauer.
Mom: Thats not a word!
Jan: It's a name, Mom. Ina Bauer
Mom: Oh. It's very pretty.

Irina Slutskaya
Jan: What the hell?!
Mom: What? She fell. Everyone's falling tonight.
Jan: But she never. falls. Never.
Mom: She did tonight.
Jan: Along with the rest of the world. This night of skating? Sucks.
Mom: I thought you liked the Japanese girl.
Jan: I did, she was beautiful. But this? This is crap. I miss Kurt Browning.
Mom: Kurt Browning is a man!
Jan: You miss him too.
Mom: I do.

Conversations Span the Globe

Jan and J - Vancouver to Kuala Lumpur

J-Bird: Why the hell don't you live in Vancouver and still work at Guess so I could get 50% off?! And also, when do you get home?
J: Um...I'm sorry? And on the 23rd.
J-Bird: I've fallen in love. And not with a guy.
J: ...With the jacket?
Jan: It's beautiful.



J: Uh, J-Bird?
J-Bird: Hey, how was your weekend?
J: I...spent $2300.
J-Bird: What!? How? It's $2300 dollars!
J: I got paid, and I needed work clothes, and a coat for when I get home.
J-Bird: Please tell me you bought more than that.
J: I got a cellphone. It's so cool!
J-Bird: Sweet jaisus.
J: Don't worry, I already got you your Christmas present.
J-Bird: That's not what I'm concerned about! Well, at least I don't feel bad for buying the jacket.
J: Wait, you bought the jacket!? I thought you said it was too expensive!
J-Bird: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of $2300 coming out of your bank account IN ONE DAY.
J: Whatever. You bought the jacket?!
J-Bird: It's SO pretty.



J-Bird and Girly - Vancouver to Montreal

Girly: So coffee; good idea, bad idea?
J-Bird: Well, only if coffee means "meet up while you're wearing your fantabulously hot shirt"
Girly: Haha. So what're you doing for Christmas shopping?
J-Bird: Oh god, I don't want to talk about it.
Girly: Why are parents so hard to buy for?
J-Bird: Oh I don't know. Maybe it's because they ask for things like tape measures, pruning shears and brooms.
Girly: No, that's why your parents are hard to buy for.
J-Bird: Thanks.
Girly: Whereas my parents want me to spend more time with them. While I'm living in Montreal.
J-Bird: We should just give them pinatas of our faces.
Girly: You're insane.
J-Bird: I prefer creative.

Election, Anyone?

Rrring! Rrring!

J-Bird: Hello?
Campaigner: Hi, I'm calling from the office of Stephen [crackly sound], [crackly sound]rty candidate for your riding, we believe that soon the government will fall and wanted to know if we could count on your vote in the upcoming election?
J-Bird: I'm sorry, you're calling for Stephen who? (Note: both the conservative and liberal candidates for my riding have Stephen as their first name)
Campaigner: Stephen Rogers. Of the Conservative Party.
J-Bird: Oh. Uh...No. You can't.
Campaigner: ...Oh.
J-Bird: ...Yeah. Um, thanks for calling!

Penticton, Part 1

It feels like it's been a loooong time since I updated this. There's been lots going on, but I'm going to tell you all about my trip to Penticton, because I feel like it.

So, we (me, T, Sekke, and Peek) left at about 2:30 Friday afternoon. Getting out of Vancouver took forever. On our drive up, we encountered bad smells (hello Chilliwack), an errant Lincoln Navigator (hello drug dealers), and a whole lot of cops (hello Peek, the amazing "slow down, there'll be a cop around the corner" machine. And thank you).

Upon arrival at the home of our hostess, the lovely S, we made some dinner, and met S's cousins. Cue hilarious Sekke moment number 1:

Peek: I'm Peek, what's your name?
Cousin: [Name]
T: My brother's called [Name], it's a good name.
Peek: I have a cousin named [Name]
Me: I don't have any relations named [Name], but it is a good name.
Sekke: I once hooked up with a Mormon named [Name]. (Pause) Inappropriate?
Me: He's eight!

The next day, we bought floaty lounging devices and floated down the canal, which, if you've never experienced it before, is awesome. I had a floating lounge chair, and drifted down the canal in style and comfort. We just drifted along, talking and drinking, and getting a lot of sun (thank god for sunscreen), and it was marvelous.

And, since I'm being picked up now, there ends installment 1.

Tales of the Work Week(end)

Saturday

Customer 1: You used to have more tables for two.
Co-worker: : No, actually, we just moved them around a little.
Customer 1: No, there were more. I think you should go back to before, when you had more tables for two.
Co-worker: (under breath as customer walks off): Oh my god, you insane lady...
Me: Come on [Coworker], go in the back and build some more tables! For two!
Co-worker: : I hate you.

Group of Kids at table: This is the song that never ends....
Me: Oh god.
Baby 1: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
Babies 2 through 9: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Co-worker (muttering): Kill me now.
Me (muttering back): No, first we kill those kids out of hate, and then we mercy kill each other. (In normal voice to customers) Can I get you anything else? Ketchup? Peantu Butter?
Customers: Do you have any earplugs?
Me: God I wish.

Sunday

Me: Effing time change son of a who's bloody idea was it anyway I hate the world SCREW YOU BROKEN FRIDGE up at 5 am bloody hell hate bloody damn

9 am
Co-worker 1: I hate the world
Me: Join the club.

9:45 am
Co-worker 2: I hate everyone.
Co-worker 1 and me: Solidarity, sister!

Everyone, after taking a 15 minute shift at the cash: I need to switch with you. (whispered) These people make me crazy!

3 pm
Me: Well that was the longest workday ever.
Co-worker: Oh god...another hour...

Quote of the Week

More of a conversation than a quote, this time.

J: How do you think rabbits became the mascot of Easter?
Tdot: Eggs.
(Pause, then simultaneously)
Tdot: Wait, that doesn't make sense.
N: Rabbits don't lay eggs!

Christmas at Casa Jan

Christmas's Past;

1989-1999
5:00 am
Greg and J-Bird: IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHEEEEE!
(us running downstairs to the living room)
Greg and J-Bird: STOCKINGS! YAAAAAAYYYY!
(we go back to bed, so as not to wake the Ghost of Christmas Grouchiness (my mom) or the Ghost of Laborious Christmas Chart-Making (my dad))

7:00 am
Greg and J-Bird: Wakeupwakeupwakeup! It's time for PRESENTS!
Parents: Nngh.
(Greg and I run down stairs and hyperventilate with anticipation)
Greg and J-Bird: Dad, hurry up!
Dad: Just wait, I have to have glass of orange juice first!
(10 minute pause. Seems like 3 years)
Dad: Okay, I'm finished my orange juice. Now just let me find the ruler...
Greg and J-Bird: Noooooo! Why do you have to make the gift chart every yeeeeaar? Why can't you make it yesterday? Why can't we just open our presents!?
Mom: (crossly) Oh, just let him make the chart.
(20 minute pause, while Ghost of Laborious Christmas Chart-Making finds a ruler, pen, and clipboard, draws up a chart worthy of a draftsman's certificate, and then settles himself with pen, chart, and ruler, should there be any unanticipated gifts. Us kids annoy the hell out of my mom, until she makes her annual proclamation of Christmas being a Waste of Time)
Dad: Okay, now, let's see, Greg first, this one's from Aunty Paula, so that's...square B4. Okay, go ahead, I'm ready.

2000-2003
5:00 am
Greg: J-Bird! Get up! It's Christmas!
J-Bird: Nngh.

8:00 am
see 1989-1999, 7:00 am

Christmas Present

2004
5:00 am
(everyone is sleeping. I awaken, to smell Christmas baking. My mother has gotten up at 5 am on Christmas morning to bake. I go back to sleep)

9:00 am
Greg and J-Bird: Okay, we're up! Let's open presents!
Dad: Well, you slept in long enough for me to start a grapefruit, so you're going to have to wait until I'm done.
Greg: Oh god, we'll be here forever. Where's mom?
J-Bird: She's been baking since at least 5. I wonder if dad's made the chart.
Greg: Oh God.
Dad: I thought I wouldn't make the chart this year.
Greg and J-Bird: YAY! It's a Christmas Miracle!
Dad: Okay, I'm almost halfway through the grapefruit...

Yep, you heard me right. No chart. The Ghost of Labourious Christmas Chart-Making has retired. And my mom was relatively un-grouchy this year, baking and all. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Attack Of The Spores

So T has mold growing in her apartment. It's somewhat localized, in her closet, but it's pretty persistent in chewing through anything it can. And it's gross. She's had a cough for a few weeks now (and hence the broken rib), and we think it's coming from the spores being released by the mold. Her landlords agree with us, and apparently the last tenant "had to leave, because she was allergic to something". ie. SPORES. Naturally, T isn't terribly pleased, especially since she keeps coughing, but there isn't much that can be done. Her and her landlords have been trying to find solutions, but her desperation is clearly growing, as she keeps trying to find something that will work. Crazy-sounding conversation follows:

T: My landlords got me a dehumidifier, to control the spores.
Me: Is it helping?
T: It makes the air too dry to breathe, and then I can't sleep.
Me: So...no.
T: I think I'm going to stick the dehumidifier in the closet (ostensibly to kill the spores), and then open the window (to let more humid air in), and put the fan next to my bed with a damp cloth over it (again to increase humidity).
Me: ...
T: What?
Me: Them spores is a bitch.
T: Tell me about it. Gahd!

So...spores 1, T 0. Yep, they may be tiny, but they'll teach you good.

How Was Your Thanksgiving?

Mine was awesome. One, there was more food than I can possibly describe, including the all-important pumpkin pie, and I wasn't forced to eat any brussel sprouts. Also, great conversation and not an awkward moment in the mix. And lord, was I full.

A brief sampling of the happenings;

Gail: Oh no, the middle of the grape-cake didn't get cooked properly!
Alec: Gail, I love the middle of the cake!

Jaman:...And then she was like "I'm only telling you because you can relate", and I was like "I can't relate!"

There was lots more, but the tryptophans made me forget.

A Night of Television, Recaptured

America's Next Top Model

Tessa: The hell is Tyra wearing?
T: I kinda like it.
J-Bird: The colours?!
T: No, not the colours. The colours are ugly.
J-Bird: How do you pick a dress that clashes with your skin?!
T: Tyra Banks has a huge forehead.
Tessa: Yes, yes she does. And you'd think she'd have a hairstylist that knew better than to emphasize that.
J-Bird: Why are there girls kowtowing to Tyra Banks?
T: They're kissing ass to try to make it on the actual show.
Tessa: That, or Tyra is their GOD.
J-Bird: Girls need a new role model.

(super skinny girl walks into 'interview' with Tyra, Jay and J.)
J-Bird, Tessa, and T: Augh, god!
J-Bird: Did you see her pelvis?
Tessa: It was like something out of an anatomy textbook.
T: Ew!

(skinnier girl walks in to interview)
J-Bird, Tessa and T: (unintelligible sounds of disgust and horror)
Tyra Banks: I do think you're too thin...
Tessa: Even Tyra thinks you're too skinny, girl.
T: Oh my god, she needs professional help, like right now.
J-Bird: And food.

('plus sized' model walks into interview)
T: Oh my god, her boobs are gigantic!
Tessa: So that's what they mean by 'plus sized'.
J-Bird: They're actually each bigger than Tyra's head. And Miss Tyra has a huge forehead.

(Miss Tyra blathers onscreen)
J-Bird: Whose genius idea was it to bluescreen her infront of palm trees?
Tessa: Realism, by UPN.
T: I love this show!

Queer Eye For the Straight Guy

T: Wow, he's hot.
Tessa: Definitely in the running for 'hottest made-over straight guy'.
T: Aw, he's proposing!
Carson, to the couple: This is where we thought you were gonna say no! (Note: she says yes)
J-Bird: I think I'm in love with the fab five.
Tessa: Too bad you aren't a man.
J-Bird: Two words, missy. Rupert Everett.
Tessa: Shut up.

Kai: I know spa treatments are expensive, but you know what's more expensive? Divorce.

T: This show is so good!
J-Bird: I really can't believe you've never seen this before.
Tessa: We've liberated her from Queer Eye deprivation.
J-Bird: We are truly excellent people.
Tessa: We're horribly shallow, aren't we?
J-Bird: Only once a week.

Conversations with Tessa

Tessa: Hey
J-Bird: Hey, what's up?
Tessa: Not much, you?
J-Bird: meh, editing. How's your accordion folder?
Tessa: Wonderful. I usually keep all my loose papers in Manila envelopes. This is so much better!
J-Bird: I know! But now I'm on an organizing kick. I totally want something like this, only prettier, to put by my desk.
Tessa: Very nice.
J-Bird: I figure once I get all my stuff organized into accordion folders (I'm so getting more), I'll need somewhere to put them. Plus, I love the look of the wall...holder thingys. Seriously. I want everything from Ikea that can make my ugly piles of stuff look pretty.
Tessa: When you go to Ikea, you'd better bring me!
J-Bird: Noted.

* * * * *

J-Bird: ...You have a lot of friends getting married.
Tessa: I know, it's really weird.
J-Bird: Seriously. Is it an Alberta thing? I mean, I plan on getting married. In fact, I've planned my entire wedding. In detail. But it won't be for several years, and the groom in the picture is just a tux with no face
Tessa: Ditto.
J-Bird: Good. I don't want to be going to weddings yet, unless they're for people who're way older than us.

* * * * *

J-Bird: So, how goes the relaxing?

Tessa: All right. I did get bored and clean the kitchen though. You know, mopping and all. It took like half an hour.

J-Bird: Heh. You're pathetic.

Tessa: And it was gross. Yeah, I'm not good at this relaxing thing.

Tessa: I MUST BE PRODUCTIVE!

J-Bird: Freak. You're unnatural.

Tessa: Okay, I'm going back to cleaning.

J-Bird: What is WRONG with you?!

Tessa: See ya later

Jan: See ya.

* * * * *

Also, Girly's in Montreal, for the Montreal Film Festival! So if you're in Montreal, go see her short film, Flush. You won't regret it, trust me.