Back to Normal

It's funny, I don't remember when things began to be "normal" again. I just realized today that while I still think about it all a lot, still wonder and hurt and wish, life is...normal. I don't wake up upset, the first thing I think isn't "I'm still alone" anymore; my thoughts aren't even really tinged with that pang of sadness that used to follow me around. I don't know when it started, it seems so long since I've been like this, this free.

That's not to say it isn't there; it is. Sometimes, just waiting for the bus or washing my hair, somehow my mind will wander down that path, where all those questions are still there, waiting for answers. But I know I won't answer them, that I probably don't want to. And a minute later, it all goes away, and I'm back to wondering when the damn bus will arrive, or why my brother's shampoo is so strongly scented that my towels are permeated.

I can listen to sad songs, now. I get sad, but not noticeably more so than I would have before. And when I daydream, as often as not, it isn't at all involved. I don't get that almost painful impulse to call. When something good or bad happens, I automatically think to call T or Girly, not him.

I still avoid certain things, certain places. But some of that is just out of habit now. Maybe eventually I'll stop avoiding them. But for now, this is enough. This is better than enough. This is perfect.