"I may not be where I want to be, but I'm sure as hell not where I was"
I totally stole that from someone (points if you can name who!), but it's something that lately, I think I need to remind myself of. I feel like right now I'm so busy trying to do everything that I'm losing myself. It's a confusing feeling, though, because all these things I'm trying to do are so closely identified with my sense of self that to not do them would make me worry about the same thing. And there's no one thing that's causing it all; I love my friends, and yet lately I feel like I'm not there for them enough, like there's something I'm not doing. I'm not taking a lot of classes; in fact, this is the lightest courseload I've ever had.
But my mind wanders, and in directions that I've spent the past year blocking off. I know that this is normal, I was half expecting it to come kick me in the ass at some point. I guess it's only to be expected that now, just when I think I may have finally gotten over it, it would come back out of the blue, and remind me that I'm not as strong as I may have hoped. It's a horrible feeling, having gotten so far, and fallen down. All there is in front of you is the awful knowledge of what it will take you to get back to where you were.
And so, I need to remember. Remember that I'm safe, that I have friends that will catch me when I can't catch myself. That there are so many amazing people out there that I love, and that don't believe for a second in all the things I'm scared of. I have to remember that as I know better than others the great things life holds for them, there are others that know the same of me. I have to remind myself that no matter how far I may slip, I'll still have come so far. That I'm here, with my family and friends. That every day I'm surrounded by beautiful, amazing girls that are just starting to discover things I now take for granted. I have to remember that some people can't be here anymore, and we have to make our lives big for them.
I'm not completely where I want to be, and lately I've felt lost as to where I want to go. But I know where I don't want to go, and if I can just keep off that road for long enough, I know I'll be fine.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I'm back!
This time, I'm even going to write you an actual post. Odd, no? Not so odd? That the subject is food. Thinking back, I've written more often about food than any other subject I can recall. Food is important. Especially to me.
Right now, however, food is irritating. Let me recount my day, to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with. I woke up this morning at 7 am. Not because I was so magnificently well-rested that I just couldn't wait to get a start to my day, no, but because my stomach hurt. A lot.
I can't quite explain the pain...it wasn't sharp, but it was very present. And as it moved me further through the stages of consciousness, it added on a vague sense of nausea. I didn't get sick, thank god, but I think that was mostly because the moment I realized what that gross feeling was, my head kicked in with "you can't get sick! You have too much to do!". So, in keeping with my solution for tummy aches back when I was a child, I lay in bed on my front, with my hand under my stomach (I don't know why, but the added pressure on my stomach always seems to help). I also tried grinning, which according to Sara on CSI, suppresses the gag reflex. I can't comment on the grinning, but the hand remedy did its job, and I drifted back to sleep.
However, upon getting up, that vague sense of flelch came back, and so I didn't eat anything for breakfast. This meant that by lunch time, I was starving. So when I got home, I ate. And while I don't feel sicker, I don't feel better either, AND I don't feel full. Which means that whatever it is my body is craving, I've yet to hit upon it. And trust me, I'm running out of options, espeically since I'm trying to avoid foods that might irritate grouchy Ms. Digestive System further. I feel like that guy from the greek myths, starving while surrounded by food. Except that I can eat it, it just doesn't help.
Right, back to the fridge.
Right now, however, food is irritating. Let me recount my day, to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with. I woke up this morning at 7 am. Not because I was so magnificently well-rested that I just couldn't wait to get a start to my day, no, but because my stomach hurt. A lot.
I can't quite explain the pain...it wasn't sharp, but it was very present. And as it moved me further through the stages of consciousness, it added on a vague sense of nausea. I didn't get sick, thank god, but I think that was mostly because the moment I realized what that gross feeling was, my head kicked in with "you can't get sick! You have too much to do!". So, in keeping with my solution for tummy aches back when I was a child, I lay in bed on my front, with my hand under my stomach (I don't know why, but the added pressure on my stomach always seems to help). I also tried grinning, which according to Sara on CSI, suppresses the gag reflex. I can't comment on the grinning, but the hand remedy did its job, and I drifted back to sleep.
However, upon getting up, that vague sense of flelch came back, and so I didn't eat anything for breakfast. This meant that by lunch time, I was starving. So when I got home, I ate. And while I don't feel sicker, I don't feel better either, AND I don't feel full. Which means that whatever it is my body is craving, I've yet to hit upon it. And trust me, I'm running out of options, espeically since I'm trying to avoid foods that might irritate grouchy Ms. Digestive System further. I feel like that guy from the greek myths, starving while surrounded by food. Except that I can eat it, it just doesn't help.
Right, back to the fridge.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I Have Babies!
14 of them, to be exact! Recruitment (aka "get involved UBC") is now over, and I have 14 amazing new girls in the sorority. So excited. Also so exhausted. But if you were wondering where I'd been, wonder no more; once again, recruitment sucks me into the abyss. Love it.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Funny story...
Hee. This is totally an aside, but I've been getting comment spam. I find it highly amusing. "Anonymous" thinks my blog is clear and useful! I'm not sure what "Anonymous" thinks is so useful about my blog, but hey, whatever rocks your cradle.
So...last Tuesday, I went with some of the girls to Celebrities, what is (to my knowledge) the most well-known gay bar in Vancouver. Now, apparently, Tuesday is "straight night", but we were basically going to have a fun girls night, unadulterated by drunk stupid sleazy guys trying to pick us up. Have to say, I generally can't get picked up if I want to, me even in the most meat market-y bars; I apparently have a very clear "stay the hell away from me" emission. It isn't on purpose, I just do.
So we go to this bar, and what happens? I get picked up. That's right, the girls who never gets picked up is picked up in a GAY BAR. And not by a gay guy, thank you. By a very nice, intelligent guy. Who also happens to be pretty hot. And likes books, and logic puzzles (what? oh whatever, I'm a dork, I don't want to hear it). We "talked" (read: yelled over incredibly loud music, and probably misunderstood each other completely) for 3 hours. And on Friday, we went on a date.
It was our first and last date, and it was fun; we went to dinner, and just talked and talked. There wasn't really any huge chemistry, which is weird, because he is really attractive. But he's also older (by enough to be weird for me, if not for others, yes Tessa, Girly, T, I know you think it's not that old!), and in a completely different place in his life. And aside from that, we have almost too much in common, which...was a little freaky. Heh.
But it's kind of neat; I've now gone out with someone I'd met only once prior, who had no connection whatsoever with my friends. And it wasn't awful.
Plus, it's amusing. I got picked up in a gay bar.
So...last Tuesday, I went with some of the girls to Celebrities, what is (to my knowledge) the most well-known gay bar in Vancouver. Now, apparently, Tuesday is "straight night", but we were basically going to have a fun girls night, unadulterated by drunk stupid sleazy guys trying to pick us up. Have to say, I generally can't get picked up if I want to, me even in the most meat market-y bars; I apparently have a very clear "stay the hell away from me" emission. It isn't on purpose, I just do.
So we go to this bar, and what happens? I get picked up. That's right, the girls who never gets picked up is picked up in a GAY BAR. And not by a gay guy, thank you. By a very nice, intelligent guy. Who also happens to be pretty hot. And likes books, and logic puzzles (what? oh whatever, I'm a dork, I don't want to hear it). We "talked" (read: yelled over incredibly loud music, and probably misunderstood each other completely) for 3 hours. And on Friday, we went on a date.
It was our first and last date, and it was fun; we went to dinner, and just talked and talked. There wasn't really any huge chemistry, which is weird, because he is really attractive. But he's also older (by enough to be weird for me, if not for others, yes Tessa, Girly, T, I know you think it's not that old!), and in a completely different place in his life. And aside from that, we have almost too much in common, which...was a little freaky. Heh.
But it's kind of neat; I've now gone out with someone I'd met only once prior, who had no connection whatsoever with my friends. And it wasn't awful.
Plus, it's amusing. I got picked up in a gay bar.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Here I am Again...
It's the first day of school. This is my 18th first day of school without breaks between, and that's not counting preschool. That...is insane. But yay! School! I mean, I don't love the midterms etc., but I can't wait to see everyone!
Sunday night I went out to The Royal. I'd actually never been there, which is kind of odd, since all my friends go with some regularity. I had a lot of fun, dancing and talking. But I was definitely tired yesterday. I'm getting old.
Yesterday I went shopping with Peek. It was fun, and I bought five (eek!) shirts. One weird trend in Labour Day shopping was...DJs. Seriously. Three stores we went into had live DJs. Now, while I can see why this may seem like a good idea, there are some serious flaws. First of all, the stores are packed. It's Labour Day! You can't just plant a DJ with full equipment in the middle of the floor! It ruins the traffic flow! One store did manage to circumvent this by putting the DJ in the display window. And second, when I'm shopping, generally I'm talking with my shopping buddy, as we bounce opinions off each other. If "Pon de Replay" is blasting out of the speakers so loud we can't hear each other, I have a problem.
So the moral of my unexpected rant is, "don't put DJs in clothing stores". Heh. Have a great day, all.
Sunday night I went out to The Royal. I'd actually never been there, which is kind of odd, since all my friends go with some regularity. I had a lot of fun, dancing and talking. But I was definitely tired yesterday. I'm getting old.
Yesterday I went shopping with Peek. It was fun, and I bought five (eek!) shirts. One weird trend in Labour Day shopping was...DJs. Seriously. Three stores we went into had live DJs. Now, while I can see why this may seem like a good idea, there are some serious flaws. First of all, the stores are packed. It's Labour Day! You can't just plant a DJ with full equipment in the middle of the floor! It ruins the traffic flow! One store did manage to circumvent this by putting the DJ in the display window. And second, when I'm shopping, generally I'm talking with my shopping buddy, as we bounce opinions off each other. If "Pon de Replay" is blasting out of the speakers so loud we can't hear each other, I have a problem.
So the moral of my unexpected rant is, "don't put DJs in clothing stores". Heh. Have a great day, all.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Hola
Hey y'all!
So lots has been going on lately, but I won't be writing about some of it until a bit later, just cause. So here's what I will write about.
I read the third Traveling Pants book. So good. But I only had a chance to read it once through, and it was in a rush, so I kinda want to go over my favourite parts again (really good books I never read only once. I go over and over the pages until I've sucked them dry, and then do it again. Obsessive? Quite likely). Sigh, I love those books.
I babysat tiny, two month old twin girls. They were adorable little mites, and it was the first time in a long long time that I took care of actual babies. I mean, I've taken care of toddlers aplenty lately, but babies are another story. But they are very, very cute. Now if only babies didn't spit so much. And scream. Two funny things;
At one point, I was holding one of them, and she got really hungry (the family was moving, which is why the feeding wasn't done right away; the parents weren't neglectful or anything). I was wearing a tank top, and she just started sucking on my shoulder. Hard. I turned to her, and said "Hey, you: y'aren't gonna get milk from me anywhere, let alone my shoulder". She didn't stop.
One of the babies had a darker complexion, and black hair - I was holding her, walking her around, and I went into the bathroom. I don't know where my head was, but when I looked in the mirror, I had a total twilight zone moment; yep, thought she was my baby. Have to say, quite terrifying. Heh.
T's bro got in some major trouble in Europe (that's what the last entry was about). He's okay, but shaken up, and so's everyone around him. But the important part is that he's home, and he's going to be fine.
School, and therefore recruitment, starts soon. Which means the madness continues! Whoooo! Love you all, and hopefully, I'll write a cohesive, non point-form entry sometime soon.
So lots has been going on lately, but I won't be writing about some of it until a bit later, just cause. So here's what I will write about.
I read the third Traveling Pants book. So good. But I only had a chance to read it once through, and it was in a rush, so I kinda want to go over my favourite parts again (really good books I never read only once. I go over and over the pages until I've sucked them dry, and then do it again. Obsessive? Quite likely). Sigh, I love those books.
I babysat tiny, two month old twin girls. They were adorable little mites, and it was the first time in a long long time that I took care of actual babies. I mean, I've taken care of toddlers aplenty lately, but babies are another story. But they are very, very cute. Now if only babies didn't spit so much. And scream. Two funny things;
At one point, I was holding one of them, and she got really hungry (the family was moving, which is why the feeding wasn't done right away; the parents weren't neglectful or anything). I was wearing a tank top, and she just started sucking on my shoulder. Hard. I turned to her, and said "Hey, you: y'aren't gonna get milk from me anywhere, let alone my shoulder". She didn't stop.
One of the babies had a darker complexion, and black hair - I was holding her, walking her around, and I went into the bathroom. I don't know where my head was, but when I looked in the mirror, I had a total twilight zone moment; yep, thought she was my baby. Have to say, quite terrifying. Heh.
T's bro got in some major trouble in Europe (that's what the last entry was about). He's okay, but shaken up, and so's everyone around him. But the important part is that he's home, and he's going to be fine.
School, and therefore recruitment, starts soon. Which means the madness continues! Whoooo! Love you all, and hopefully, I'll write a cohesive, non point-form entry sometime soon.
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