Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Thoughts

"I may not be where I want to be, but I'm sure as hell not where I was"

I totally stole that from someone (points if you can name who!), but it's something that lately, I think I need to remind myself of. I feel like right now I'm so busy trying to do everything that I'm losing myself. It's a confusing feeling, though, because all these things I'm trying to do are so closely identified with my sense of self that to not do them would make me worry about the same thing. And there's no one thing that's causing it all; I love my friends, and yet lately I feel like I'm not there for them enough, like there's something I'm not doing. I'm not taking a lot of classes; in fact, this is the lightest courseload I've ever had.

But my mind wanders, and in directions that I've spent the past year blocking off. I know that this is normal, I was half expecting it to come kick me in the ass at some point. I guess it's only to be expected that now, just when I think I may have finally gotten over it, it would come back out of the blue, and remind me that I'm not as strong as I may have hoped. It's a horrible feeling, having gotten so far, and fallen down. All there is in front of you is the awful knowledge of what it will take you to get back to where you were.

And so, I need to remember. Remember that I'm safe, that I have friends that will catch me when I can't catch myself. That there are so many amazing people out there that I love, and that don't believe for a second in all the things I'm scared of. I have to remember that as I know better than others the great things life holds for them, there are others that know the same of me. I have to remind myself that no matter how far I may slip, I'll still have come so far. That I'm here, with my family and friends. That every day I'm surrounded by beautiful, amazing girls that are just starting to discover things I now take for granted. I have to remember that some people can't be here anymore, and we have to make our lives big for them.

I'm not completely where I want to be, and lately I've felt lost as to where I want to go. But I know where I don't want to go, and if I can just keep off that road for long enough, I know I'll be fine.

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