Tuesday, August 31, 2004
She Will be Loved - Maroon 5
cross the Universe - Fiona Apple
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
Let Go - Frou Frou
Breathe - Frou Frou
Time - Chantal Kreviazuk
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
Love Will Come Through - Travis
Come Clean - Hilary Duff (I can't explain that one... I'm delusional?)
Freaks Me Out - Girls Aloud
Breathe - Telepopmusik
Escape - Enrique Iglesias
Songs I shouldn't listen to right now, even though they're really good:
I Believe in a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
Pictures of You - The Cure
Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer
Desperado - The Eagles
Cause I Like You - Dandy Warhols
This Year's Love - David Gray
Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold
September - Earth Wind and Fire
Everything Dido, Jack Johnson and Outkast
Monday, August 30, 2004
One woman, an actress on some show I've never seen, told a story about how she fell for her best friend of two and a half years, and he proposed after dating for six weeks. She said yes, ecstatically, and they sent out little announcement cards with 'engaged' on the front. Six weeks after he propsed, he said he'd cheated on every girl he'd ever dated, and he didn't think he could marry her. She was heartbroken (duh), and she went to her best friend's house. They decided to send out new announcement cards, with 'single' on the front. Inside, they said;
This is why I love Oprah's show.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
But mostly, I'm scared because when I wake up, all I want is to forget. I want to forget it all, I want to stop seeing loss in everything. I want to go away, and start all over again, with nothing from before, no friends, no family, no past. I want to throw everything away. Why do I want to throw everything away? Why do I want to psychologically commit suicide, keep living when I'll have discarded everything I love? Why does one love bleed over into all the rest? Why can't the big part of my mind, the part that knows it doesn't want to forget, that it loves all the memories and past, wake up at the same time I do? And what happens if that part goes away?
What happens if this isn't how other people feel, and I'm some sort of defective human, doomed to this?
Why can't I stop asking questions I know have no answers?
I think everything cuts me deeper now. Anything said, no matter how deserved if it's bad, or how innocent if it's good, cuts me somehow. I can't control my mind at all; any control I think I have is basically an illusion to protect my sanity.
Also, why the hell do I keep trying to answer these stupid questions?
Anyway, I actually needed to write that I'm sorry to some people, two in particular. I'm not sure you'll even read this, it's pretty bloody long. I don't mean the stuff above this as an explanation, an excuse, or a plea for sympathy. It might even be better if you skipped it. I just needed to write it all out, to actually make it real outside my brain. Anyhow, I'm sorry that I am utterly useless, I really really am. I never wanted to suck up your time, energy, or patience, and I know that I did all of the above and more. I don't know how to make it up to you, or even if I can, but I will try, and with the apology I'd also like to say thank you, for not completely losing your tempers with me (at least not while I was in the same room as you). I really do love you both, because you're my sisters, and lovely in your own right, and I'm sorry to have failed.
P.S. I do know this is not a 'now everything's better!' kind of deal. But I'm better at writing than I am at talking, so...yeah.
Friday, August 27, 2004
You know what you shouldn't see? Taxi, with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. It's a remake of a French movie, and if you value your time (and speak French), you'll rent the French one instead. Unfortunately, it hasn't come out with subtitles yet, so it's kind of restricted to the French-speaking populace. But it's a great movie. And the American version has completely killed all the good parts of the original.
Anyhow, I'm exhausted . Time for bed for me! 'night all.
Her father, when she was ten, told her that they were going to Paris for the weekend, just the two of them. They flew to Paris, and they stayed in a room at The Ritz. He told her she could order anything she wanted to eat, and they went to museums and galleries and it was, in her opinion, perfect.
On the flight home, he asked her "Do you know why we went to Paris on our own? Why Mom and Jake (her brother) stayed at home together?"
She shook her head and said "No."
And he replied "Because I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with a man who will love your forever, no matter what."
And that is when I started to cry.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Now, I am admittedly not a bra aficionado. I recognize their value and purpose, and I appreciate their prettiness, and how they can make people look really good, but I'm not terribly well-versed in the different types of bras available. Until now. Now I (vaguely) know the difference between a 'hydrafit' and a 'push up'. Convertible vs. strapless? Believe it or not, there are distinct pros and cons to the styles. In fact, I feel somewhat well-educated in Bra-ology now, considering I own 3 types of bras; normal unpadded, strapless, and sport. T did try to get me to buy a more...enhancing bra, but I wasn't really feeling it, just then. I did however purchase an unpadded bra, that is very pretty, and fits really well, and was only $12. $12! That's like buying a paperback! Did I mention that it's pretty? Not that I have anyone to show it off to. It's still nice to have a pretty new bra though.
Unfortunately, I didn't manage to find a white skirt. Apparently, all white skirts are either waaaaay to mini for me, hideously ugly, completely the wrong size, or cost a bajillion dollars. Which means I have to go out again, and find it somewhere other than at the 400 stores I looked around in. Ech. But at least I have a pretty new bra! Pretty, pretty.
This morning, I watched a rerun of yesterday's rerun (circuitous, I know, but bear with me), featuring 'The Celebrity Spouse Challenge'. It featured couples of varying levels of celebrity challenging each other to complete tasks which we are told were heretofore unknown to them. For example in one segment, Finola Hughes was made to camp one night in her backyard. This was an eye-opener to me; I don't think I've ever seen someone so completely unsuited to the outdoors. Maybe it's because I've grown up in Vancouver, where camping is mandatory for a child, but that shocked me. I mean, she was miserable. In her backyard. This isn't a trip to Antarctica. Which was probably a good thing, as that would have really damaged her Louis Vuitton bag.
In another, Clint Black, who we were told is a Country star (To any Clint Black fans; I do not mean to malign your singer in any way, I simply am not a lover of the country genre, and therefore have very little knowledge of musicians of said genre) was challenged to go grocery shopping with his daughter, who I think is about 3. It was hilarious. I'd like to congratulate the editors, who had to go through 3 hours of footage (that's how long it took him to shop), and put together a very funny montage. My favourite part was when he asked for 'some sort of ground fish thing?'
Yep, I love me some Oprah. But it scares me a little that she can sell more books by reading them than most writers can by writing them.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Also, everyone should read Pamie's The Menstrual Chronicles. And then everything else on Pamie. Because it is what happiness is made of.
Also, saw John Kerry on The Daily Show last night; he was very personable, and very to the point regarding his views. Unfortunately, while I have a definite opinion on which candidate I'd like to win, I'm not even remotely American, and therefore get no say in the matter. Vote, Americans! Seriously, though. It's important.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
On the bright side, it's raining something fierce outside, and I was caught in the downpour, without an umbrella (not so prepared, this time), and it was kind of nice, being rained on, getting wet. The last time being caught in the rain made me laugh, I was still in high school.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Also, the 'Jump' episode of Joan of Arcadia is one of the best hours of television ever made, and I could watch it over and over again. The music is amazing. The writing is amazing. The whole thing is amazing. It's perfection on screen. Another example of such perfection? The 'My Big Screwup' episode of Scrubs. Different tone entirely, but still beautiful.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I know the US has something like 40 medals right now, but it must be kinda nice being a Canadian; every medalist seems to have a whole day of the country basking in their glory. So far in the States, I've mostly heard about Michael Phelps. I mean, I understand that he's ridiculously good, but he didn't win every medal you guys have! Where're your other medalists?!
Also, newly changed the settings so that anyone can comment on the blog, not just blogger people. So yay for equal access!
Heh, my friends are funny. You go with your fury, supergirl! If I were you, I would've kicked his ass a long time ago! No one screws with one of my friends and gets away with it.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Go to MATH + 1. They'll teach you what you need to know.
Also, I added a 'Links' section. Woo! Yes, I realize there's a pitiful number of links there. There're lots more I'd love to add, but I want to make sure it's okay with the writers before I do so.
Last night I saw the Bourne Identity (yeah yeah, I'm behind, blah blah blah) which was very good. I'm a big fan of Franka Potente, ever since Run Lola Run and The Princess and the Warrior. Matt Damon was also pretty good in this movie. I've decided I definitely prefer him over Ben Affleck, who seems unable to climb out of his deathspin even after parting ways with Jennifer Lopez. I find it funny that she's now with Marc Anthony, since he seems to be exactly what she was trying to turn Affleck into. Did she just figure 'well, if I can't custom-make one, I'll just take the original'?
Friday, August 20, 2004
I've actually gotten quite a bit done the past few days, all things considered. I managed to get to the bank, and deal with some stuff there, which allowed me to pay my visa bill (yikes, that card is so going into hibernation for a while). I finally got Greg's birthday present, as well as a card to go with it. And I managed to go to the clinic today, and get a check up. So woo!
In more Olympics news, watched the 10 000m track event, and I have to say, while I generally find running competitions tedious, especially when they're long, that was truly impressive. To run more than 9500m, and then do your last lap in 53 seconds is amazing. And he didn't even seem all that tired at the end! I can't even run one lap cold in that time. These people are crazy I tell you. Crazy!
Also, 'Such Great Heights' is an amazing song; the version I know is by The Postal Service, but I've heard Iron and Lace(?) also do it well.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
At the same time, I feel lucky, because I have amazing friends, and family. I have friends who come visit me at 10 pm, on 5 minutes notice, who hold me when I cry, and don’t try to convince me that I shouldn’t be crying. People that are just there, even though they know that they can’t make me feel better, that no one can, anymore. People who put aside their problems, because in their minds, mine are more important. I want to thank all those people, who are letting me deal with this. I don’t know if I’ll remember to tell you how much I appreciate it, but I do.
Of course, when I’m lying in bed, as I try to fall asleep at night, or as I wake up in the morning, none of this matters. Because it’s all still happened, and I’m still scared and alone, and I still worry that the worst has yet to come. Because I keep asking myself how I could have avoided this, what I could have done differently. Because as hard as this is, I’m so scared it’ll get harder, when I’m not so shell-shocked, and when I see how much I miss what I’ve lost.
And I want to thank someone else, too, for everything. I’m sorry I can’t talk to you right now; I miss you so much, I just want to hold you and make it better, and somehow I know that I can’t see you again until I’m past that, or at least strong enough to beat it. I’m not even sure that you read this, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t; you’ve always been stronger than me. If you do, don’t worry, I’m not going to write anything else about this on the site. Just...thank you. For everything, things that you can’t even know. There are still all these things that I want to tell you, that I feel I didn’t tell you enough, and now they’re just there, unsaid, and probably will never be said, because now to say them would hurt, even though that’s the exact opposite of their intent. But I hope you know what it is I want to say, what I always tried to tell you through my words and actions every day.
Everyone, I promise that I’ll be back to levity and the mundane from now on. Not because I don’t want you all to know, but because I need to do this on my own, or at least as close to that as possible. I love you all.
Friday, August 13, 2004
I'm probably not going to be able to update this for a while (stupid that I just started, but oh well). Thanks to everyone that's being so great about this, you know who you are. I know some of you have no idea what's going on, and I'm sorry, but you'll all know soon, I'm sure.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Not much going on right now (which is a big reason for me starting this), it's still way too hot in Vancouver for me to be doing anything terribly active. Had Cousin's Day today, which was fun. My cousin Jenn and I took our two little cousins, the moppets, to the waterpark at Chaldecott. It was a lot of fun, but wow, that waterpark has changed since I was a kid. I'd seen it, as it's relatively close to my house, but I'd never played in it before (participation is mandatory, with the moppets). Quite fun, although I'd forgotten how much shrieking toddlers do when they play. We also took them to an ice cream place, where they both ordered 'blue bubblegum' (ew) ice cream. Jenn and I opted for other, less technicolor flavours. Waterpark AND ice cream! Jenn and I are awesome cousins.
(Author's Note: Yeah, this is like 5 mins later. Couldn't decide on a template, so for now we're going with the pink. woo!)