Thank You

I guess I’ve reached the whole ‘acceptance’ stage of everything, finally. I’m still terrified, and I dread going back to school, but last night, when I was about to go to sleep, I felt almost...peaceful. Resigned, I guess is the best word. And now I’m here at Girly’s house, and even though I can’t laugh much at all, and I still am blindsided by the sudden moments where the fact that I feel completely alone and lost and weak is all too obvious to me, I feel better knowing. I know what I have to do, and no matter how much I don’t want to do it, how much I hate it and just want to go back and change everything until I get it right, I know that I don’t have a choice, and all I can do is go from here.

At the same time, I feel lucky, because I have amazing friends, and family. I have friends who come visit me at 10 pm, on 5 minutes notice, who hold me when I cry, and don’t try to convince me that I shouldn’t be crying. People that are just there, even though they know that they can’t make me feel better, that no one can, anymore. People who put aside their problems, because in their minds, mine are more important. I want to thank all those people, who are letting me deal with this. I don’t know if I’ll remember to tell you how much I appreciate it, but I do.

Of course, when I’m lying in bed, as I try to fall asleep at night, or as I wake up in the morning, none of this matters. Because it’s all still happened, and I’m still scared and alone, and I still worry that the worst has yet to come. Because I keep asking myself how I could have avoided this, what I could have done differently. Because as hard as this is, I’m so scared it’ll get harder, when I’m not so shell-shocked, and when I see how much I miss what I’ve lost.

And I want to thank someone else, too, for everything. I’m sorry I can’t talk to you right now; I miss you so much, I just want to hold you and make it better, and somehow I know that I can’t see you again until I’m past that, or at least strong enough to beat it. I’m not even sure that you read this, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t; you’ve always been stronger than me. If you do, don’t worry, I’m not going to write anything else about this on the site. Just...thank you. For everything, things that you can’t even know. There are still all these things that I want to tell you, that I feel I didn’t tell you enough, and now they’re just there, unsaid, and probably will never be said, because now to say them would hurt, even though that’s the exact opposite of their intent. But I hope you know what it is I want to say, what I always tried to tell you through my words and actions every day.

Everyone, I promise that I’ll be back to levity and the mundane from now on. Not because I don’t want you all to know, but because I need to do this on my own, or at least as close to that as possible. I love you all.