Sunday, August 29, 2004

Fallout

So what's the fallout? The fallout is that I can't think, or sleep or eat or breathe without feeling myself bleed inside. The fallout is that when I try to keep myself occupied, I just end up bleeding all over everything, and ruining it. The fallout is that I don't even realize how much I bleed until it's too late. The fallout is that I end up with even more people to apologize to, because I cannot think. I can't think to do anything, I can't think of what I need to do, I can't think of whether I can do it. The fallout is that sadness turns into something else, something I don't even realize is there until I see how hard, how uncaring I am, and then it all turns to hurt and selfhate and pure wanting to heal. And I don't heal. I just turn it away, and try to ignore it, and in doing that, end up ignoring everything else that was important to me too. I get angry, angry at people for not understanding, and then angry at myself, because I know they understand, but I still hurt, so I must just be weak, and less of a person than them. Angry at myself because all of this was because I was weak, because I was less of a person, and even after it, I haven't been able to change. Angry because the past two weeks have felt like two years, two years without sleep or peace or joy. Angry because even though I know I'm not alone, I still feel alone. Angry because every time I think I'm getting better, I break down everything I've built by remembering and wishing, and I get scared all over again. I'm terrified, constantly. I feel like I'm being hunted. I'm scared that the reason this is so hard is because I'm not strong, that I've never been and never will be strong. I'm scared that if it isn't because I'm weak, then there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm scared because I know that this will change me, but I don't know that I want to change. I liked who I was before. I want nothing more than to be who I was before.

But mostly, I'm scared because when I wake up, all I want is to forget. I want to forget it all, I want to stop seeing loss in everything. I want to go away, and start all over again, with nothing from before, no friends, no family, no past. I want to throw everything away. Why do I want to throw everything away? Why do I want to psychologically commit suicide, keep living when I'll have discarded everything I love? Why does one love bleed over into all the rest? Why can't the big part of my mind, the part that knows it doesn't want to forget, that it loves all the memories and past, wake up at the same time I do? And what happens if that part goes away?

What happens if this isn't how other people feel, and I'm some sort of defective human, doomed to this?

Why can't I stop asking questions I know have no answers?

I think everything cuts me deeper now. Anything said, no matter how deserved if it's bad, or how innocent if it's good, cuts me somehow. I can't control my mind at all; any control I think I have is basically an illusion to protect my sanity.

Also, why the hell do I keep trying to answer these stupid questions?

Anyway, I actually needed to write that I'm sorry to some people, two in particular. I'm not sure you'll even read this, it's pretty bloody long. I don't mean the stuff above this as an explanation, an excuse, or a plea for sympathy. It might even be better if you skipped it. I just needed to write it all out, to actually make it real outside my brain. Anyhow, I'm sorry that I am utterly useless, I really really am. I never wanted to suck up your time, energy, or patience, and I know that I did all of the above and more. I don't know how to make it up to you, or even if I can, but I will try, and with the apology I'd also like to say thank you, for not completely losing your tempers with me (at least not while I was in the same room as you). I really do love you both, because you're my sisters, and lovely in your own right, and I'm sorry to have failed.
P.S. I do know this is not a 'now everything's better!' kind of deal. But I'm better at writing than I am at talking, so...yeah.

2 comments:

MountainWolf Howls said...

This post is beautiful! You are not alone in feeling alone. I know many people can relate to your feelings of pain, of lonliness, of despair. I can relate in a big way. Remember, you are young and your life will be full of highs and lows. Think of it as a story being written. There will be happy times and sad times. Your life is a wonderful story. Write it, read it, live it. I feel your pain and hope you heal. I'm also at a low point in the story of my life, waiting for a happy ending to this chapter. I hope your sisters forgive you someday.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweetheart,

I'm reading this after dim sum today, many days after this was written, and I hope you know that you are certainly not defective, that we all love you just the way you are, and that love hurts when it is broken, but that it can and will get better. I have no idea what happened, but sometimes these things just do... You are such an amazing person, one that I do not make enough time for but that I feel priveleged to call a friend. I hope we will keep our pact to get together more often, so see you Saturday.

Peace,

from someone who's known you since we were both in diapers. Scary thought, isn't it?