Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Something Less Trivial, More Philosophical

Is it possible to actually regress to yourself, in an earlier time period? I'm finding that I pretty much feel the same about life and the world as I did about two years ago. Things happen that make me upset, or that I find sad, but I still very much believe that everyone really is a good person, that everything will be okay in the end, and that to hurt another person or animal in any way is the highest crime that can be committed. Granted, I still believed all that stuff during the 'gap' between two years ago and now, when I had a boyfriend, but being single seems to have emphasized it all in my mind. Maybe it's just the contrast to the awfulness that was my mindset right after the breakup that's making me notice my positivity more.

The whole fact that I have this basic (and totally ungrounded) faith in the Universe confuses me, though. I'm a very logical, by-the-numbers person. And God only knows I had a very sarcastic, cynical phase, and that it wasn't a terribly brief one either. So when did I switch over? And what started it all? While I believe that hormones and neurotransmitters do have an effect on our thoughts and actions, I don't believe they determine everything. I feel like there should be at least some series of events that turned me around, and I'd really like to know what it was, and who were responsible. Mostly so I could say thank you. The pain I've experienced in the past few months is nothing compared to the load some bear, but I don't think I would have been strong enough to get where I am without believing everything will be okay in the end. I know a good deal of it is due to my friends and family, so a big thanks goes out to all of them (you). I get the feeling that a lot of it was due to people I no longer have contact with, and to total strangers, and I want to thank them too, even though they'll probably never know it.

Heh. The sarcastic, cynical me would make so much fun of present me.

2 comments:

Evi said...

Janice,
My Psych prof, likes to talk on and on about how there is no fate, or 'meant to be'...he says there's too much scientific proof saying otherwise. My parents always attribute overly positive or hopeful thoughts to my age (they've done that all my life though...). In highschool I remember teachers saying that the students should wake up! The real world isn't actually nice, like highschool...uh, what? I never understood that. I don't understand my feelings that are similar to yours, the feeling that it'll be ok. The only way I understand them is if I say that I only feel that way because that's what I really hope for. But, then I wonder, how does amanda know what I am thinking, sometimes before I do? How does my mom have dreams about something that I am about to do the next day? Surely these acts, thoughts, come from the soul, even if knowing me and living with me all my life has had some influence.
It's interesting that you say you've changed, I mean I know you have, I see it in you even though I don't see you very often. I do see all my friends, however, as very similar to how they were highschool in a lot of ways. But maybe you just changed yourself, you don't have to attribute what you view as positive changes in yourself to the influence of others. For me, I know I've changed, but I am not happy about some aspects of it and I've been working at trying to change back, surroundings may have had an influence, but I decide who I am going to be and how I am going to act. I am not sure where I was going with this but, I hope that you are happy with 'you', that is all.

Anonymous said...

I know because I am psychic. Just a little bit. But mostly empathetic. Your mom knows because she is your mom. And see? Cynical Janice is there watching optimistic Janice. Things don't change very much.